What Does This Mean?

    Lately I've noticed myself growing distant from the world yet again. There is no order in my life anymore, and it almost scares me. There are some days where I find myself staring off into space just contemplating my future and happiness. On top of that I noticed I've started cutting ties with my friends one by one in attempts to stabilize my depression. I've even grown more distant from my sister, and I feel more alone than before. It makes me wonder if I'll ever be happy again. It makes me wonder if this is all I can do. It almost hurts to look at what I've left only last year. It's almost painful to remember fighting alongside my friends in the FTC, or teaching new fencers how to properly hold the blade. It frightens me that I might not ever feel those joys again. Is this what I have to do as an adult? Throw away my past and start a new? I've worked hard to get what I had in high school, and now it's all gone. High school was the first place I ever had REAL friends and a REAL social life. So why do I feel that I've lost the one thing I've spent my entire life trying to achieve. I was normal for four years, now I'm back to the being the crazy girl that talks to her electronics as if they were her only friends. It makes me scared of growing up. My life will never be the same and I can't do anything other than move forward, even though it's tearing me up inside. Is this really what being an adult means?